Random thoughts on sick babies and new babies

 There is nothing worse than a sick child (unless its your husband). Bridget came down with a cold this weekend and its been a lousy couple of days. She was a little whiny but OK until Sunday night when she crashed out. I know she is sick when she naps during the day and still manages to get in 12 hours of sleep.

I took a fantastic photo course this weekend from the Rocky Mountain School of Photography and decided to snap a few pictures of her while she was sleeping. I am not a professional and still have a lot to learn, but it was nice to be able to apply what the instructors talked about and capture this moment.

This moment is happy and sad for me. Definitely sad because Bridget is not feeling well. But as she gets older, I will have less sweet moments like this. When she does nap during the day, its a full process. I have to lay down with her, basically restrain her from fidgeting and wait for the sleep to over take her. This process today went much faster, but still required all the a fore mentioned steps.

Bridget starts kindergarten in the fall, can you believe it? My baby is growing up and I can't do a darn thing to stop it. I love watching her grow and experience new things. She's tenacious and so excited to grow up, like all children are. She already has her birthday parties planned for the next three years. She's a planner and definitely my girl.

If you know me at all (and I assume since you read my blog you do), you know how I've struggled with infertility. My hysterectomy slammed shut the miniscule chance I had to have a biological child. I will admit its been a struggle for me, almost like a mourning period. I won't necessarily miss my lady parts and certainly not miss the month long periods and the uterine cancer. But even more so now, the growth of our family relies on someone else.

The last few months have been hard. So many people I dearly love are having babies this year. I'm tickled pink with joy! Its a hard time as well though since I don't know if I will be that lucky this year. My beautiful Bridget is the most special gift I have ever received. I thank God for Celina for the choice she made. She is an amazing mom and person.

James and I are waiting patiently (most days) to see if our family will expand through foster care. We have toyed with the idea of another private adoption but it doesn't feel right. Maybe our perfect child is the only one for us. Or maybe our special addition is just not ready. Hard to say, right?

One particularly hard day, I called my mom to cry on her shoulder for a bit. I had just found out that someone else I know was having a baby this year and the crushing feeling of self pity buried me in grief and anger. This is not a new conversation with my mom. She's always been such a great listener and I love her for that.

As I poured out my soul and told her for the millionth time how unfair it is, I could tell she was starting to get angry. Instead of patting me on the back and agreeing with me, she told me to stop being selfish.

Pardon? Can you speak into my good ear, I didn't catch that.

I'm not being selfish! I'm feelings sad, there's a difference. She told me that maybe what I needed to do instead of moping around feeling sad was to serve those beautiful ladies around me who are having babies. Be a support to them while they are dealing with morning sickness and all the other stuff that goes along with pregnancy.

At first I got mad. She doesn't understand what I'm going through. She had three kids and doesn't know how hard infertility is. Why is she being so rude? This wasn't why I called her.

It took me a few weeks to understand. That feeling of broken and loss will always be with me I think. Not in the fore front, haunting me daily, but I don't know that it will ever leave. The Lord asked us to serve others in his place. Its something I've learned over the last few months.

I don't know what the future will bring for our family. Hopefully it means the most wanted addition of another child. But if it doesn't, James and I are going to make sure Bridget has the life we promised Celina we would give her. Not one of spoiled privilege, but one of opportunities to be the best person she can be.

This year is about changes for me. I'm trying to be the person I want my daughter to be. It's been a challenging few months already, but I can see that its working slowly. I am so thankful for my sweet sister and my sweet cousins who are pregnant this year. My joy is over flowing at their wonderful chance to grow their families. I can't wait to snuggle those babies and spoil them rotten as the best aunt ever! There will be a bit of sadness there of course in the back ground, but I suppose if that's the worst thing I have to deal with in my life, I'm very lucky.

For now I'll focus on the important things - becoming healthier, becoming more spiritual and being the best mom and wife I can be. I'm looking forward to our trip to California in April with James and Jill and to traveling this year with our family. We're also hosting an exchange student next school year and we're looking forward to that.

Life is good around here. Thanks for listening to the ramblings!